Greetings and welcome to the week’s power rankings! This week six special edition is brought to you by your leader – and guest host – Commissioner Laughlin. First and foremost, I want to thank all of you for joining and participating in the Wedge League this year. It is my great pleasure and honor to accept the privilege of writing for Editor in Chief Crossland, who has done a phenomenal job of providing a great service to this league. His sense of humor, witty roasts, and in-depth commentary have spiced up our weekly matchups. What a roller coaster of a ride we have been on! From sibling rivalry upsets – to cocky Crossland getting knocked off his high horse – the first six weeks have been so eventful that words will not suffice. There has been an unexpected turn of events with Victorious Secret abandoning her winning team and leaving it up for adoption. Though some of you may wish that I bash her for absurd behavior, doing so will only add fuel to a fire that needs to be extinguished. I saved Troop from himself, as he was hellbent on releasing a week 5 ranking that most certainly would have done just that and some. The Fantasy Gods have shown mercy to some, and cursed others- only time will tell whether the strong prevail and the weak meet the demise they deserve.
Among us are a handful of contenders, a few wishful thinkers, and the remaining scrubs who hope they make the playoffs. Most of them delusionally believe they have a chance. Let us begin with the Contenders.
The Contenders
After careful consideration and evaluation, I rank these teams in order of appearance. This is subject to change on a weekly basis, but for now you should bathe in the glory you deserve, for it can easily be snatched from you like a sandwich at a homeless shelter. I’m just glad Troop isn’t undefeated because we would be subject to an unprecedented amount of shit-talk.
1. Super Saiyan Bomb Squad:
Owner Colin suffered a devastating loss to Mr. Clean & Company in week 1, losing by a slim margin. Tasting defeat twice, Super Saiyan Bomb Squad’s record does not accurately reflect the strength of its team. McCaffrey’s unexpected injury merely gave other teams the illusion of weakness, when in fact his team has produced points quite well in his absence. CMC’s return will only make Super Saiyan Bomb Squad more formidable. With the astonishing acquisition of Herbert, he has fortified an already potent roster. Austin Ekeler has been clowning jibronis and putting up tasty numbers four weeks straight. CeeDee Lamb is going bananas. Diontae Johnson missed week 3 with a knee injury but has posted quality numbers in every other game. His squad is legit and a force to be reckoned with. This week, he was given a tasty matchup against his friend Irish and is now able to gloat over yet another victory. I predict wins in at least 6 of the next 9 games if his players remain healthy. Another fact nugget: his team is averaging over 140 points each week. With quality numbers like that, chances are likely you will suffer a soul shattering loss when you play this team.
2. Flower Power:
How nice it must be to acquire a winning team 5 weeks into the season. However, as a newly adopting owner, she must deal with a confused and neglected team. They may be experiencing a feeling of abandonment, accompanied by a loss of direction. Owner Campbell is new to the world of Fantasy and must learn quickly, for the welfare of her squad depends on it. It shouldn’t be difficult to win games considering the talent she possesses. Ezekiel Elliot has found his stride once again and the Cowboys look fantastic. Keenan Allen is a stud, DJ Moore is heavily involved as of late, and Kyler Murray has posted impressive numbers. Regardless of my animosity towards her team, she has a strong chance to make the playoffs. Flower Power shouldn’t have too much trouble keeping a winning record; however, retaining the number one spot might be a challenge. Super Saiyan Bomb Squad will soon make its overwhelming presence known.
3. The Fire to Consume All
It brings me great joy to see your team gasp for air as your opponent denies you the privilege. I have no mercy for your team. Tyreek Hill always holds the potential to post insane numbers, but it should be noted in weeks 2, 3, and 5 his numbers were disappointing to say the least. He will not save you every week. Additionally, Chris Carson is banged up, Joe Mixon is scared to hurt his ankle further, and in weeks 3 and 5 your total points were soft and weak. In week 2, five other teams could have beaten you; and during week 4, four teams scored higher than you, meaning you are dodging bullets like Max Payne. After the monster first week point total of 177.28 (which no longer stands as league record weekly point total- now proudly toted by Chef Willie himself with a massive 188.38 points), ‘The Fire to Consume All’ is clearly mortal and no longer inevitable. To add insult to injury, the 1-4 Six Toed Freaks beat The Fire to Consume All by less than a point… Regardless, Troop is still in position to secure a playoff berth and deserves credit where it is due. Moving to a respectable 4-2 record after a win against Flower Power, look to see this team realistically win the next 6 of 9 upcoming games.
4. Polish Your Section:
It is a miracle this team has thrived thus far. Jamie I am pleased to see that you are enjoying fantasy football. You have gone from how the fuck does this shit work?!? – to caring immensely and surprisingly mounting a winning record. Polish your Section has been one of the luckiest teams in the league, especially after the shocking win against chef Willie in week 4. It appears that owner Evans either forgot to set his lineup or some crazy shit happened because Jamie cruised to a dominating victory over his opponent in week 6. The absence of massive numbers from Odell and Hopkins isn’t helping the cause for Polish your Section, but Josh Allen’s elite performances continue to keep this squad afloat. The season is well on its way but look to see this team get rocked by opponents in weeks 9 thru 15. Captain Walker might accrue a few wins in weeks 6-8 but stay tuned for this team’s disastrous downfall.
The Wishful Thinkers
1. Chester the Molester:
Was I the only one who noticed that JT acquired Nick Chubb and Jonathan Taylor in the draft?!? Old ass injury prone Julio Jones is still catching passes (like the one he caught off a players’ helmet Monday night), but his squad is fraudulent and vulnerable. Losing to owner Evans – who burrowed his Chubb all in Chester the Molester’s ass – this squad will rely on being saved by breakout performances. Despite projections, JT luckily secured the dub against Jamie in the week 5 sibling rivalry. Last week JT got rocked by the Six Toed Freaks- which is embarrassing to say the least. Chester the Molester has enjoyed a few wins, but I don’t see it lasting long. With Chubb unlikely to return, and Russell Wilson sidelined until week 10, look to see this team lose 5 to 7 of its next 9 games.
2. Mr. Clean and Company:
What a dipshit decision to drop Herbert! Regardless, Mr. Clean and Company still wields a potent attack- lead by King Henry himself and Stefon Diggs. So long as Commissioner Laughlin doesn’t do anything too stupid, his team stands a decent chance of turning things around in the coming weeks. With a much-needed dub against Executive Chef Willie in week 6, this team has finally found some mojo. Derrick Henry stiff-armed and ran through the Bills defense in a physically dominating performance per usual. Maybe I’m bias, but this team has a strong chance to make the playoffs. I wish to destroy every one of you and plan to rise in the rankings soon. Wins in weeks 7-12 are possible.
3. Willie’s World Class Team:
Chef Willie sure has turned things around since the draft! To be honest I wondered whether you meant to draft all the players you did. Your football IQ and knowledge of the NFL and its players clearly showed with some of your recent waiver acquisitions. I award this team the “adversity award” because you have clawed your way back into contention after a lousy 0-2 start to the year. Additionally, your week 5 blowout sent shockwaves through the league with a dominating performance against the Six Toed Freaks who really stood no chance. It’s a shame that you didn’t face a more threatening opponent, but your time to shine is near. This team will face its greatest test in the upcoming weeks 7, 8, 9, 12, and 14 (if Burrow my Chubb gets his shit together). I predict your lack of talent at the running back position will not hold up through the remainder of the year. Your three tight-end strategy confused me at first, but obviously you know something I don’t. Chef Willie’s record is now 2-4 after the upsetting loss to Mr. Clean and Co. but I predict this team will most definitely rebound nicely and secure some much-needed dubs soon.
4. Nick’s Brilliant Team:
The week 2 loss to Siayan Bomb Squad hurts. 151.08 points should be a win 9 out of 10 times and twice on Sunday. Don’t count this squad out quite yet though. Look to see this team pull off some miraculous unexpected shit. An underrated and decently stacked team, the Italian Stallion Caliri is looking for a bounce back to contention. Last weeks win against the Lambeau Leapers moves this squad into a 3-3 spot. After a rough start to the season, I believe Nick’s team has the potential to turn things around and MAYBE sneak into the playoffs. So long as Dak Prescott remains healthy (and Adam Thielen continues to get the ball) this squad has just enough talent to scrape out some victories in the upcoming weeks.
Remaining Scrubs
1. Scott’s Tots:
Irish barely lost his first game against JT, got whooped by Burrow my Chubb in week 2, and spanked by Captain Walker in week 3. Facing a weak opponent in week 4, Scott’s Tots tasted victory for the first time this year. Absolutely raping Mr. Clean and Company in week 5 was a definite moral booster for this squad. However, he faced his fiercest opponent yet when he lost to his friend and foe Colin. This was a tough pill to swallow, but I vote this team the ‘most likely to rise in ranks’ of the remaining scrubs. If this team’s record was 3-3 instead of 2-4, they would be higher in the power rankings. Since points and wins are the only thing that matter in fantasy, Scott’s Tots have a monumental task ahead of them if they even dream of making the playoffs. This team could win 6 out of the next 9 games but it is unlikely.
2. Six Toed Freaks:
What a rough start for JC and the Six Toed Freaks! It is a shame that Patrick Mahomes is on one of the worst squads in our league. Honestly, your team isn’t that awful, but your record most definitely is. However, in week 6 this team finally produced numbers worth noting. 141.08 points for in week 6 is something we need to see much more of if this team doesn’t like being roasted; for Editor in Chief Crossland is about to light you on fire in the upcoming power rankings. Look to see this team attempt to trade away its finest player in hopes to save the season in a last ditch effort for survival.
3. Burrow My Chubb:
I’m not sure if owner Evans is detained by law enforcement but somebody should check on him. Did anyone else notice he accidentally face-timed the entire chat and sounded like he was at a night club?? Somebody needs to find him and set his lineup. I honestly doubt he believes (or cares) if his squad will make the playoffs; but anything is possible.
4. Lambeau Leapers:
Annalysse you are an amazing person, but your squad is trash. It isn’t really your fault; Waller and Evans have been a disappointment, along with pretty much every other player on your team- besides the man himself Aaron Rodgers. Kamara will have his blowup games and I foresee a few victories here and there. However, it won’t be enough to salvage a playoff run because of your already disgusting record. The Lambeau Leapers are left in the undisputed last place spot. Look to see the Lambeau Leapers meet continued demise throughout the season due to the soft and weak nature of their squad.
Special message from Wedge Football Network
Hey guys, Editor in Chief, Troop Crossland here to thank you for the support you’ve shown us over the past few weeks and a warm welcome to our new hire Brian Laughlin. Without Brian’s hard work and dedication to this firm we would not be able to uphold such outstanding news reports every week. Stay tuned for next weeks power ranking. And don’t forget to subscribe for only a measly $4.99 a month.
Fin.
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